As human beings, sometimes it requires us being completely fed up, as my grandmother used to say, to finally make a change. So, as we enter into not only a new year but a new decade, I want you to spend some time thinking about, what are you tired of tolerating? Because you don't get what you want. You get what you tolerate.
Bonjour, and welcome to the French Kiss Life podcast, where personal development meets style. I'm Tonya Leigh, Certified Master Life Coach and the hostess of this party, where we explore how to live artfully and well. Each week, I'll be sharing inspiring stories, practical tips, and timeless wisdom on how to elevate the quality of your everyday, and celebrate along the way. Let's dive into today's episode.
Hello, my beautiful friends. What a gorgeous day. I am looking outside my window right now, and there's snow and these beautiful spruce trees, and it's literally like a winter wonderland. I'm looking for the reindeer. Like, where are they? Because I know they're going to come around the corner any second.
But, I love this time of the year. I love the holiday season. And I also love that there's this anticipation of a new year, and we've got some incredible things lined up for 2020.
But for this month, I may do something. I love gifts. In fact, gifts is one of my love languages, and more than anything, I love giving gifts, I love talking about all the gifts that I love. And for this reason I made the community a holiday gift guide.
And when I made this gift guide, I was actually thinking about you all giving to yourself, because I feel like during the holidays, we give so much to everyone else, and I'm all about buying myself the things. My daughter laughs. She's like, "You have no shame in buying things for yourself." And I'm like, "No, I don't."
You know, I want to be an example of a woman that takes exquisite care of herself, that values herself, that's not this martyr that's always giving to everybody else and she's withering away in the background of her life. And one of my big whys is my daughter. And I remembered a long time ago, I really got it. I needed to be the example of how I want her to treat herself.
And so, I feel like this time of the year, we give to everybody else, and we need to ask ourselves, where are we in this equation? And so I really want to encourage you to go out there and buy something special for yourself. Don't wait for your husband, or your boyfriend, or your child, or your mother, or your friends to buy you the things. Be the kind of woman that buys for yourself, that cares for yourself.
Because if we wait for everybody else to do it for us, number one, it leads to a lot of frustration because chances are, they're probably not going to get it right. And we end up waiting, maybe even a lifetime, for our hearts' desires. So, go check out the French Kiss Life Holiday Gift Guide. You can go to www.frenchkisslife.com/giftguide, all one word.
Now it is time for a community spotlight. This is the part of the show where I get to highlight someone in the community who has benefited from the French Kiss Lifestyle, and today's spotlight is on JC Wallace. She left a five-star review on iTunes, and here's what she said.
She calls it "The quintessential little black dress of podcasts. Tonya Leigh hits all of the bases in this incredible podcast, and yes, if you are looking for a podcast that will take you from, I just don't know, to French-kissing life and embracing your soul, this is it. No matter where you've been or where you're at, Tonya shows you the way to take charge of your life and reach your goals in simple, yet elegant and beautiful ways. Along the way, you will hear indispensable fashion secrets and points that will resonate, as Tonya shares her past and no nonsense advice that any lady can carry with confidence. Once you start French-kissing life, you will know there is no other way but to live your life with passion. Thank you so much, Tonya Leigh, for the consistent quality and sparkle you add to my week."
JC, thank you so much for that beautiful review on iTunes, and I must admit, I really loved that you called it "The quintessential little black dress of podcasts." And I was thinking about that, because I tell my clients all of the time, I want you to take what I teach and make it your own.
I feel like what I share is timeless wisdom. It's not new. It's been shared throughout the centuries, and what I do is I take it and I put a more modern, and probably French, twist to it. But at the end of the day, I want you to take that and make it you. Just like a little black dress, you think about it. A little black dress, you can pair it with a great pair of pearls, and a beautiful pair of heels and voilà, you have a very classic look.
Or, you can take that very same black dress and pair it with a funky pair of ankle boots and a denim jacket and you have a completely different look. And that's what I love about French Kiss Life. It's that basic wardrobe that you can take and spin it into your version of a beautiful life.
Because you are unique. You have unique dreams and desires that were given to you on purpose. You have a way of being in the world that is unlike anyone else. And so I want you to use French Kiss Life to help you enhance all of those things, and to really be a guide to help you make those dreams come true.
So, hey, listen, if you have not left me a review, what in the world? Seriously, you all? What have I got to do over here to get some reviews? But, I'm really wanting to reach more women with this message, and so if you listen to the podcast and you love it, and it's impacted your life in a positive way, I would sincerely appreciate you leaving me a five-star review on iTunes, and we can just consider this a Christmas gift to me.
Today we are talking about what you want to no longer be available for. As we enter into the New Year and a new decade, I think it's important that we stop and we ask ourselves, what are we tired of tolerating? I think there's actually a beauty to anger and frustration and resentment, because when I've ever felt that way, it's often always because I have been tolerating something that is not a fit for my soul. It's not a fit for my vision for my life, it's not a fit for my dreams, and it just does not feel good.
But what we often do is we just keep tolerating, and the resentment grows, the frustration grows, and then because that feels so bad, instead of taking care of the problem, and stop being available to whatever is triggering that, what we often do is we engage in self-destructive habits.
For me, it used to be food, I would be so resentful and angry and frustrated and sad and disappointed, and so I would reach for food, to not feel those emotions. But guess what happened? I gained weight, and then I had even more resentment, more anger, more frustration.
And looking back, it's so clear to me now, but what was happening is that I was tolerating things that were not a fit for me. And instead of having the courage to deal with the things that I was tolerating, I just kept engaging in self-destructive habits because it was familiar, it was comfortable, and it was the known. It was a lot easier, in the moment, to just eat my emotional life away, versus to stand and face the things that I had been tolerating.
And so I want you to look at areas of your life where you are experiencing frustration, or maybe anger, or maybe resentment, and I want you to ask yourself, "In these areas of my life, what am I tolerating?"
Another way to look at this is to think about what it is that you want for your life. When you think about your dreams and your desires and your goals, what do you need to make yourself unavailable for in order to reach them? Now, I want to give you a little bit of a hint here. Almost all of the things that you need to stop being available for is self-inflicted.
So let me give you an example. During those years when I was really struggling with my weight, I had this very toxic pattern of overeating, because I didn't want to feel my emotions. And then, on top of that, I would then beat myself up, which would feel terrible. And when I felt terrible, what would I want to do? Go and eat more.
And so when I asked myself, what am I tired of tolerating? It was a multitude of things. I was tired of tolerating overeating. I was tired of tolerating being obsessed with my weight and my body. I was tired of tolerating my own self-inflicted abuse. I was tired of tolerating putting myself last. I was tired of tolerating eating crappy foods.
And so, there was a day in my life where I was done. And again, that's sometimes the beauty of just being so frustrated, and so angry, and so resentful, is that hopefully, eventually, you'll get to a tipping point where you're like, "I am so done with this. I am so done with feeling like this. I am so done with behaving like this. I am so done with creating this."
And that's what happened for me. And one of the first things that I made myself no longer available for was my own self-abuse, in terms of verbal abuse. I was just no longer available to beat myself up. I was done. I was like, this is no longer an option in my life. I am no longer available for telling myself how fat I am, how worthless I am, how I'm ugly, how I'm never going to lose weight. I was just done, with a capital D.
Now, here's the thing. Those thoughts just didn't go away, because I had been practicing them for so long. They were still there. I just didn't hang on to them. I didn't indulge in them. I didn't entertain them. Whenever they would come up, I would be like, "No, sister, you're done with that. Let's switch it around. Let's turn it around. Find something that feels better."
And, over time, now it's so odd for me to think about the version of me that used to be so mean to myself, because I've been practicing self-compassion and kindness for so long, that is my default. But I had to make myself unavailable for it.
Another thing that I made myself unavailable for, probably a few years ago, actually, was confusion and indecisiveness. Y'all know who I'm talking to, right? "I don't know what to do. I'm confused." For me, it was like, "I don't know what my message is. I don't know my vision. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm confused."
And as long as I was available for confusion, it was everywhere. And there was a day where I was just done, because I was so full of resentment. I was so full of frustration. And I'm like, I am unavailable for confusion. I am unavailable for indecisiveness.
And just like being unavailable for my own verbal abuse, I started to practice that same process around confusion and indecisiveness, all of that drama and B.S. I was just like, "No, I'm not available for it. I am only available for clarity and decisiveness." And if I don't want to make a decision, I like my reason for not wanting to make a decision. So, I made myself unavailable for all of the confusion. And it's crazy, in such a short amount of time, how that decision has changed my life.
Another thing that I made myself unavailable for, and I know some of you all are really going to appreciate this one, but it's people pleasing. I'm just not available for it anymore. I was tired of tolerating my own behavior that came out of trying to please everyone, and everybody, and their mother, and their cousins, and their aunts and uncles.
Because I wasn't able to live in my truth, right? I wasn't able to be authentic and express my loves and what I'm passionate about, because I was so concerned with what everybody was going to think, and what everybody was going to say, and all of the judgment. And in the meantime, I was withering away.
So, because I was so tired of tolerating, trying to please everybody, and the result that that was having on my life, I made myself unavailable for it. I'm just not available for people pleasing. I want to be loving and honest and kind and truthful. And that and people pleasing just don't go together, because you're lying. You're pretending to be someone you're not, because you're trying to please people.
And so, again, because I was so resentful and frustrated, that was a sign that I needed to look at what I was tolerating in that area.
Another thing that I'm no longer available for is trying to manage other people's emotional life. It's so frustrating and tiresome and impossible. And so therefore, I'm not available for it anymore. I can only handle my own emotions, and sometimes that's difficult, so trying to handle everybody else's, you can imagine how hard that is.
It's not my job to change everybody's emotions. I can simply love them and let them be who they are. And so, making myself unavailable to that has been such a game changer in relationships.
Another thing that I noticed for me that was causing a lot of resentment and anxiety and worry was around scarcity, and I was tired of tolerating it. I was tired of tolerating this mindset of scarcity, and so I made myself unavailable for it. I'm like, "I am only available for abundance, in all areas of life." And what that has done is any time thoughts of scarcity enters into my mind, I'm like, "Nope, not available for that."
You know what it's like? Imagine that you're the CEO of like a Fortune 500 company, and you have a clear vision. You know what the company's goals are, you know where you're going. And, in the meantime, so many people are trying to get your attention. They're trying to get a piece of you. They're trying to get your time, they're trying to get your energy.
But you have, like, the most incredible personal assistant, who basically filters what is allowed to get to the CEO. And she only allows, or he only allows, what is necessary, what drives the vision, what drives the company, to come into your space. That's what it's like.
We have to be the personal assistant to ourselves. And we have to say, does this support who I'm becoming? Does this support my vision? Does this support my goals? And if not, she's not available for it. I'm sorry, she can't take your call. You're not a good match, right? That's what it feels like.
And we do a lot of this work in Slim, Chic and Savvy, and it's crazy what begins to happen in women's lives where they're like, "No, I'm just done. I'm done tolerating this." I see this with women around their weight. They're like, "I am so done with beating myself up. I'm done with feeling guilty about what I eat. I am done with the negative self-talk. I am done with overeating. I am done letting myself down and disappointing myself day after day after day."
And it's like they hit this threshold where they just can't do it anymore. And so, to watch them flip that around and to step into what is possible for them, because they make themselves only available for the best, they start losing the weight with ease. They start feeling more confident, more beautiful, more excited about their lives, because that's what they make themselves available for.
I was coaching a client recently, and we got on the call, and the first thing she said is like, "I'm so frustrated." And I asked her why. And she was like, my house is such a mess. And I'm like, "Okay, well, obviously you are available for that. What are you going to do about it?" And within a week, she hired a housekeeper to come in and clean her house once a week, because she decided she was no longer available for a messy house, and because she's really busy building her company, she didn't want to be the one doing it.
But she had to make herself unavailable to the experience that she no longer wanted to have, because as long as you're available for it, it's going to keep showing up in your life.
You know, a great personal example around this for me is that I used to have a lot of relationships in my life that were full of drama. It was those friendships where everyone was really needy. There was always someone that was upset. No one ever knew why. I know some of y'all can relate to this.
And, there was a day, because I was so frustrated and resentful, I'm like, "I am no longer available for this type of friendship. I only want to be available for loving, supportive, authentic, truthful and honest friendships." Like, that's it.
And by making myself unavailable for it, there was a time where I didn't have a lot of friends. It's what my mentor Martha Beck calls the empty elevator. But by making myself unavailable for that, there was also me making myself available for something so much greater. And eventually, I started to bring in those friendships that were a match for what I was available for.
And here's the thing, you all. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself unavailable to the things that you've been accustomed to tolerating. You have to say no. You have to feel discomfort. You have to show up, even when it's hard. You have to stop tolerating your own excuses. You have to do things that are unfamiliar and all of that is so uncomfortable.
But, the payoff is that you begin to shape your life with the things that are truly in alignment with what you want to create, with your vision, and who you want to become.
You know, as we all are entering into this new year, and the new decade, I want you to really think about as you evolve, you're going to be required to let go of certain things. You're going to have to become unavailable to certain ways of being, to certain ways of operating in the world, of certain ways of thinking and feeling, and that's hard.
But I also think it's amazing and fun and so rewarding when you have the courage to stop tolerating the things that are holding you back and weighing you down, and to only make yourself available for the amazingness of life.
You know, we've been talking about what you no longer want to tolerate, and what you want to make yourself unavailable for. But I want you to flip it around, and I want you to imagine a life where you only make yourself available to the extraordinary possibilities that each of us has.
What do you want to make yourself available for? Maybe it's more money, maybe it's better relationships, maybe it's better health. Maybe it's more organization, maybe you only want to make yourself available to a thriving business. Maybe you only want to make yourself available to incredible experiences. You get to decide.
But what I can tell you is that an incredible shift begins to happen within you when you are so fed up, and you're just done. You're done tolerating. You're done tolerating the days of anxiety, and worry, and self-sabotage. You're done tolerating this illusion of scarcity. You're done tolerating relationships that don't serve you. You're just done.
And then you step into, "I am only available for the best. I am only available for what it is that I want." It truly shifts you and it changes you, and you begin to make different decisions. You begin to show up in a different way. You become the CEO of your life. You don't let just everybody come into your office. You are very discerning about what you allow into your space.
And the most important space that you have is the space between your two ears, your own mind. So again, the majority of what we need to stop tolerating is our own limiting beliefs, our own negativity, and our own habitual states of being, that don't align with what it is that we want. We need to make ourselves available to extraordinary ways of being and thinking and showing up in the world.
We need to become that personal assistant that guards our office door and says what is allowed to come in and what's not, because you have a vision. You have dreams, you have goals, you have desires, so you can't just let all of that junk into your space. You need to be meticulous about what you let into your own mind.
You need to manage your mind like the best personal assistant, so that you can be the best CEO of your life. So ask yourself, what am I done tolerating? What do I want to no longer be available for? And then flip it around. What do you want to be available for?
It is time for J'adore, the part of the show where I get to share something that I love with you. And, I have to say, I feel like I'm the guinea pig for the French Kiss Life community, especially when it comes to beauty products and all things skin and makeup and hair. I will try just about anything.
And so when I find something that really works, I have to share it with you. So consider today's J'adore a twofer, meaning, I'm going to share two products that have created one result that actually has blown my mind a little bit.
So, today we're talking about something really important for us women, and that is our eyelashes. Yes, eyelashes. Now, I have no shame in my love of good eyelashes. I sometimes wear fake ones, just because I like the way they look, but I don't want to have to put on glue and fake lashes every single day. And equally, I want to have great eyelashes.
And so, a few months ago, I just noticed that my eyelashes were just not what they used to be. Getting a little shorter and sparse, not really great for a woman who loves great eyelashes. And so I came across this product, I don't remember how, maybe it was a YouTube video. I can't remember. But I thought, I'm going to give this a try, and I'm so glad I did.
I'm happy to report that my lash game is back on. I know some of you are listening to this and you're like, "Really? This is what we're talking about?" But for those of you who are always looking for a great mascara, and you appreciate great lashes, you get me, right? You got me.
And so, the two products that I want to share with you today is a serum that is actually designed for lash growth. And because I'm not a fan of some of the more intense treatments like Latisse, for example, because rumor has it that Latisse can turn your blue eyes gray, and I happen to like my blue eyes. I was really skeptical at first, because I was like, how is this product going to work?
But, I'm happy to report that it is a blend of vitamins and peptides and amino acids that promote longer and thicker-looking lashes in just four to six weeks, and then you get full results in three months. And it's so simple to use. You just swipe it on right before you go to bed on your lash slit each night, easy-peasy.
And then I combine it with the mascara that is also full of peptides and good stuff. It's cruelty-free, it has no parabens, and this mascara is amazing. I'm always looking for a great mascara, and I really feel like I have finally found the Holy Grail of great lashes.
So, if you love a good lash like I do, I'm going to send you to two different links. You may want to just get the serum, or you may want to get the mascara, or you may want to get both. But you can go to frenchkisslife.com/lashserum, all one word, or you can go to frenchkisslife.com/mascara, to discover what I believe to be the secret to great lashes.
Have a beautiful week, everyone, and I will see you in the next episode. Cheers.
If you enjoyed this episode and you want to dive even deeper into the French Kiss Lifestyle, let’s start with a makeover; a mindset makeover. You can download my free training, The 3 Mindset Makeovers Every Woman Needs by visiting www.FrenchKissLife.com/mindset – because after all, mindset is the new black.