“She wakes up to an enormous to-do list and before the day even starts, she’s overwhelmed with the magnitude of all that she needs to get done; get lunch ready, put the clothes in the dryer, get the kids to school, get to work on time, please the boss, hurry to the grocery store, get dinner on the table, help the kids with homework, make sure to call mom, pay the bills.
By the end of the day, she is so tired and exhausted that she failed to see the gorgeous sunset or really taste the flavors of her food or hear the birds chirping outside of the window, or enjoy sex with her partner. This is me. This is our sisters, our daughters, our mothers, and our friends. Our souls are slowly fading away and only sensuality can bring them back.”
So this is from a journal that I found a few weeks ago. I wrote this in June of 2001. And wow, it brings tears to my eyes, my friends. To think of my life then and to think of it now, it’s like night and day. And I will tell you, bringing the sensuality and the sexiness back into my life was one of the paths that I took to get here.
And while it may seem like such a frivolous desire, I believe it’s one of the core components of French kissing life. And that is what we’re talking about in this episode.
Bonjour and welcome to The French Kiss Life Podcast, where personal development meets style. I'm Tonya Leigh, certified master life coach and the hostess of this party, where we explore how to live artfully and well. Each week, I'll be sharing inspiring stories, practical tips, and timeless wisdom on how to elevate the quality of your everyday and celebrate along the way. Let's dive into today's episode.
Hello, my beautiful friends. How was your 4th of July, for those of you in the States? I hope you had an amazing time. We certainly did. We spent most of our time on the lake and it was so much fun. I think it’s so important for us to disconnect and just to enjoy our experiences of life. And I find that when I do that, that’s when I get my creative downloads.
Can you all relate? Like there’s something you’re wanting to figure out and so you sit at your desk and you’re trying to figure it out, nothing’s coming to you. And the moment that you just step away and live your life, all of a sudden, you start to get signs and clues and you find the answer in the living of your life, which is why I’m such an advocate of us scheduling ourselves into our lives.
So, that was my Tonya tangent. It was a short one today. Now, let’s head into the part of the show where I do a Community Spotlight. I highlight someone in the community who has benefitted from the French Kiss Lifestyle. And today’s Community Spotlight is on Free Spirit Cakes. And, Free Spirit Cakes, I think I know who you are, my friend.
But she left a five-star review on iTunes that says, “Be prepared to blow your own mind. I became a member of Slim, Chic, and Savvy in November of 2013. I had found Tonya’s blog before I joined and was so enchanted by her and her teachings that I knew I needed to be coached by her. Since then, I have continued my coaching with Tonya through the Secret Society, Modern Day Icon, Charm the Room, the Dream Atelier, and I am so thrilled to be a part of Le Voyage.”
By the way, Le Voyage is the trip that we do to Paris every fall. “And the new SCS Society. Tonya’s coaching programs have changed my life. When I began Slim, Chic, and Savvy at the age of 29, I was learning who I was as a woman, being guided by Tonya, the SCS program and the incredible group of women I consider my SCS sisters, I uncovered pieces of myself that I never even knew existed. With each round of SCS, which you are granted lifetime access to, I have discovered more and more about myself and what I am capable of.
Along with SCS, Tonya’s other programs have enhanced my journey and have taught me so many valuable life lessons. Without a doubt, I would not be the person I am today without Tonya’s guidance and I am forever grateful for her.”
Aww, thank you. It’s so funny reading these because I just do what I do. I love coaching you all. I love seeing the results that you’re creating in your life and I have to remind myself sometimes just to take it in. So I deeply, deeply appreciate it. And it’s an honor. Truly, it’s an honor to know you, to support you, and to be a part of such an incredible group of women. So thank you so much for that review on iTunes.
Now, if you want to be featured in an upcoming Community Spotlight, head over to frenchkisslife.com/itunes and we walk you through how to leave a review, or you can send me a message or you can give me a shout-out on Instagram. I’m in all the places. But ultimately, what I love is connecting with women in the community and hearing from you how French Kiss Life is impacting your life. So, with that said, let’s dive into today’s episode.
Who is ready to reconnect with their sensual and sexy self? Now, some of you may be uncomfortable hearing me talk about this or you may be convincing yourself that this isn’t what you need, it’s not really that important. But here is what I know, my friends; as women, our sensuality and our sexuality are extremely important. It affects how we feel on a daily basis.
It affects how we show up in the world. And when we’re disconnected from this part of ourselves, I feel like we are most disempowered. In fact, Shakira has a great quote where she says, “I take advantage of feeling sensual and feeling sexy and I think that is tremendously empowering, and it’s not diminishing in any way. I feel that any woman who is in control of herself, who is in touch with her femininity and her sensuality is a woman that is empowered.”
Many of my clients express to me that this is a big part of their life that is missing. I tend to attract women who are working in very masculine industries, whether they’re attorneys or doctors or they’re working in corporate. And they’ll tell me things like, “Tonya, I just don’t feel connected to that feminine part of myself. I am constantly overwhelmed, I am constantly in my head, I’m constantly overanalyzing everything and I’m miserable. I miss that part of me that was playful, that enjoyed the sensual pleasures of life, who had time to have sex and who enjoyed it.”
And so, I realize that I have been doing this community a disservice by not talking about these things because these are things that I’ve personally struggled with. When I wrote that journal excerpt back in 2001, I was in that place of feeling so disconnected from that feminine, sensual, and sexy side of myself. And I knew just intuitively, like a gut instinct, that part of me living my best life would be me getting back in touch with that part of myself.
And so when coaching women for over a decade now, I’ve seen this pattern of what keeps us separate from that part of ourselves. And so I wanted to offer you some tips and things to consider in order for you to get back in touch with that side of yourself if you feel like you’ve been disconnected.
So, the first one is to live a sensual and sexy life and to reconnect with that part of yourself. You must learn to manage your mind. Here’s what I mean; there are three emotions that predominantly keep us disconnected from that feminine part of ourselves, and they are guilt, shame, and overwhelm.
And a little bit of back story, just probably two years ago when my daughter was going through her health crisis, I found myself reverting back to that me that didn’t have time for that part of myself. And I realized that that was buried in guilt. How dare I enjoy the sensual pleasures of life? How dare I enjoy my sexuality right now, my daughter is sick?!
It was that guilt that kept me from really embracing this important part of who I am, the part that when I’m tapped into, I’m actually a better mother. And so I had to really sit down and look at my own thoughts that were creating the guilt. Because you all know, especially if you’ve worked with me, our feelings are created by our thoughts.
It’s not anything outside of us; it’s what we’re thinking. And so when we’re feeling guilty, we often deny ourselves of the very things that will heal us, that will make us whole, that will make us better mothers and daughters and wives and community members and businesswomen. And yet, if we don’t check ourselves, we’re going to wreck ourselves. So I had to manage my mind around that and remind myself of how important it is to be in my sensuality and to be in my sexuality and to stay in my feminine.
And then there’s shame, and I have definitely experienced this one. Growing up in a very puritanical religion that really forbade anything that was pleasurable, I had a lot of shame around my body. I had a lot of shame around sex. I had a lot of shame around the very things that human beings are designed to want to do. And so again, I had to do a lot of work on my own mind to be able to release that shame so that I could just be in myself, fully expressed.
And then the last one is overwhelm. Now, I know that many of you think that overwhelm is being created by your to-do list. But remember, overwhelm is a feeling, it’s an emotion. And your emotions are being created by your thoughts. And so if you’re waking up in the morning and you’re thinking, “Oh my god, I have so much to do, I’m never going to get it done, my plate is so full, I have no help, I’m behind, I need to hurry up…” you are creating a sense of overwhelm which will always drive you to do more things to create more overwhelm. It’s really crazy. I’ve done it many times.
And so when you are stressing yourself out so much with the thoughts in your head and you’re thinking thoughts to create guilt and shame, it is almost nearly impossible to really tap into that sensual and sexy self.
And so part of getting back to that part of yourself is learning to manage your mind, which is why I love the work that I do in my program so much because I see what happens when women learn this valuable skill, how it opens up this whole new world, how they’re more joyful, they’re more relaxed, they are feeling more sensual and more sexy and just more in touch with their true nature.
The next thing you need to do to reconnect with that sensual and sexy self is to manage your schedule. Here’s the thing, my friends, everything you put on that schedule is your choice, and you need to put you on your schedule. And that may mean that you have to tell people no. That may mean that you have to give up obligations that you’re not even interested in anyway. That may mean that other people are disappointed by you honoring yourself.
But when you learn to manage your mind, you can deal with all of that drama that happens in your mind when you do that. But here’s the thing; if you are not on your schedule, what kind of life is that? Now, I’m not saying you need to carve out three months where you have no time for anyone else, although if you want to do that, I will be your biggest supporter.
But I’m talking about little blocks in your week where you create space for sensual pleasures, whether that’s going and getting a facial or having just time alone in your bathtub reading a book. It’s about you creating space for fun. And if you don’t know what fun is for you, that’s okay, start experimenting, start exploring what that could be for you.
I know some of you have not had fun in such a long time, you’re like, “Tonya, I don’t even know what fun looks like, I don’t know what it feels like.” Do not let that be an excuse. Go out there and try new things. Notice what sparks joy within you and be committed to putting more fun and playfulness back into your life. And also, create space for connection.
To me, sensuality and sexuality is about connection; connection with myself, connection with the people I love, connection with my life. And so that may mean that you schedule time with your partner. Now, that may not sound very romantic and spontaneous, but it’s you drawing a line in the sand of saying, “I am going to make this a priority. I am going to make connecting with my partner a priority so that I can honor that part of myself that is a sexual and sensual being.”
The next thing I recommend to get back in touch with your sensual and your sexy self is to have practices where you connect with your body. That could be through dance. That could be through yoga. That could be through many different things. But what I have found is that the majority of women that I work with are so disconnected from their bodies.
They can’t tell me how they feel. They can’t tell me when they’re full. They can’t tell me what sensations they’re experiencing because they have disconnected from their bodies. And that happens for many reasons. It could happen because of trauma. It can happen just because you’re so in your head and so in your to-do list that you don’t even take time to really check in, like what is going on in my body? How do I feel in my toes? How does my back feel? What is the emotion that I’m experiencing right now?
And that is a practice. And I will tell you, as someone who struggled with my weight, this was a big reason why; I was so disconnected from my body and I was so mean to my body that me and my body had two different experiences. And part of my journey back to myself was learning to, number one, be kind to my body – you can’t connect to your body if you’re beating yourself up. And so it was being kind to my body and learning to speak kindly and retraining myself in that way. And then also practices of getting back into my body, which is why I love dance, why I love to exercise, it’s why I enjoy sex.
It’s all about reconnecting with my body, which is where sensuality and sexuality is experienced. And so play around with what those practices could be for you. And one of the things that I do recommend, if you are someone that’s disconnected from your body, is to set an alarm on your phone to go off maybe every hour and let that be a cue for you just to say, “Hey, what’s going on in my body right now?” And just be curious about it. But I do want you to practice getting back into your body.
The other suggestion that I have for you is to create sensual style. What I mean by this is do the clothes and your accessories, do they spark that feminine side of you? One of the assignments that I gave my clients is to go out and get properly fitted for a bra and invest in beautiful lingerie.
Now, that does not mean you have to invest in things that are super uncomfortable. They actually make really beautiful things that are also equally comfortable. But our under-things matter. No one else may see them, but we see them. We feel them. They’re up against our bodies all day long.
Also, perfume, or maybe a lipstick, or maybe it’s wearing something sexy, or maybe it’s having beautiful loungewear so you’re not walking around in, like, tattered sweatpants all of the time. It really makes a difference.
I know that when I am around the house and I have like a beautiful set of pajamas on, I just feel more sensual. And it’s the material, it’s the cut, and it’s just me knowing that I am honoring myself. And it really has nothing to do with anyone else but me and how it makes me feel.
And that’s the thing with style; what matters is how you feel in it and are you being intentional with your style. And I just find, for me, style is such an amazing and incredible personal development tool, number one, and it also helps us create emotion. And so if you’re someone who feels really disconnected from that sensual and sexy side of yourself, look at what you’re wearing, and how can you spice it up a little bit?
Maybe it’s a beautiful necklace. Maybe it’s a scarf. Maybe it is going out and investing in beautiful lingerie. But look at your style and ask yourself, how can I upgrade my style to help me spark that side of myself again?
The next thing I want to suggest is one that’s really important to me, and it’s this; creating a sensual environment. So, what that looks like for me is I always have fresh flowers in my home, always. I always have music playing in the background and usually it’s very sexy music. I love sexy music. I like how it makes me feel. It almost transports me to a different place.
I typically have candles burning. I love beautiful scents in my home. For me, it’s having beautiful sheets. I have silk pillowcases. Like, it’s these little details that I use and I create to remind myself of how important these details really are and what they say about me as a woman.
So take a look around at your environment and ask yourself, does this spark sensuality? Does this spark a feeling of sexiness? And then finally, when you think about the word sensuality, it is experiencing your life through your senses. And a is said before, oftentimes, we’re so in our head, we fail to smell the delicious aromas or really hear the wind outside or we fail to notice what is going on through our senses.
And so part of this practice is waking up to that. Like, the next time you’re eating, really take the time to taste your food. Sometimes, oftentimes actually, we’re in such a hurry and a lot of times, most of the time, we’re eating for the wrong reason. Like, we’re bored or we just don’t want to feel sad or hungry or whatever, that we’re eating so fast we don’t even taste our food.
I have had so many clients lose weight just by waking up to the plate. I had one client who was convinced that she was so in love with Dunkin’ Donuts and I was like, “Sister, I used to be in love with those munchkins too, until I woke up to them.” And when I would just sit and have one munchkin, I realized it was just sugary and it really had no flavor other than lots of sugar and fat.
And so she realized, through just being mindful, that she didn’t even like the taste. And she was eating so quickly, she didn’t even taste it, which is why I believe sensuality and our sexuality has such a power to heal our lives. And so make a practice of just, like I suggested with the body scan earlier, set the alarm and every hour just look around your life. What do you notice? What do you hear, smell, feel, taste? What is beautiful about this moment?
Because I don’t want any of us to go through our life asleep at the wheel and realize that we failed to really experience, in our mortal bodies, all of the sensual pleasures that were available to us. And you all, we were given bodies for a reason. If we weren’t meant to have sensual pleasures, I don’t think we would have been given sensual bodies.
So let’s use them to help us, to heal us, to really enjoy our lives. And I want to leave you with a passage I found and I think it’s so beautiful. It’s a little bit long, but I think you all will enjoy it. It’s by J. Ruth Gendler in The Book of Qualities.
Here’s what it says, “Sensuality does not wear a watch, but she always gets to the essential places on time. She is adventurous and not particularly quiet. She was reprimanded in grade school because she couldn’t sit still all day long. She needs to move. She thinks with her body, even when she goes to the library to read Emily Dickinson or Emily Bronte. She starts reading out loud and swaying with the words. And before she can figure out what is happening, she is asked to leave, as you might expect, she is a disaster at office jobs.
Sensuality has exquisite skin and she appreciates it in others as well. There are other people whose skin is soft and clear and healthy, but something about sensuality’s skin announces that she is alive. When the sun bursts forth in May, sensuality likes to take off her shirt and feel the sweet warmth of the sun’s rays brush across her shoulder. This is not intended as a provocative gesture, but other people are, as usual, upset.
Sensuality does not understand why everyone else is so disturbed by her. As a younger girl she was often scolded for going barefoot. Sensuality likes to make love at the border where time and space change places. When she is considering a potential lover, she takes him to the ocean and watches. Does he dance with the waves? Does he tell her about the time he slept on the beach when he was 17 and woke up in the middle of the night to look at the moon? Does he laugh and cry and notice how big the sky is?
It is spring now and sensuality is very much in love these days. Her new friend is very sweet. Climbing into bed the first time, he confessed, he was a little intimidated about making love with her. Sensuality just laughed and said, but we’ve been making love for days.”
It is time for a J’adore. This is the part of the show where I get to share something that I adore with you. And today’s J’adore is super, super sexy. So, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that things aren’t what they used to be, if you know what I mean. And I am not one to go down without a good college try.
And so while I know that there’s mental things that happened with our sensuality and our sexuality, there are also biochemical things that are happening in our bodies, but I refuse to believe that we have no control over them. And so I started working with a good friend of mine who is an internal medicine doctor and she’s also into holistic health.
And we have been putting together a plan for me to get my hormones balanced, for me to get my energy levels back, and that’s when I came across today’s product that I am so excited to share with you. I’ve actually fallen in love with this entire line of products, but this one in particular is so suited for today’s episode and what we’ve been talking about.
I have been taking this product for one month now, and you all, it is a miracle in a jar. So the name of this product is called Sex Dust, by a company called Moon Juice. So my understanding of this company is that they use ayurvedic principles in creating their products.
So, Sex Dust consists of adaptogens that are meant to create fire in your body. One of the ingredients is Shatavari, which the meaning of that is she who possesses 100 husbands, if that tells you anything. And it’s all about supporting healthy hormonal balances. It’s got organic cacao, which helps stimulate endorphin release, it’s got Maca, which is known to support mood and energy and healthy sexual function. It’s got two or three other things that I can’t pronounce, but it really helps with your hormones and getting your libido back and just helping you feel more like your younger self.
And I can tell you, from experience, that this stuff works, my friends. So here’s what the website says; sex dust is a stimulating adaptogenic blend of all of these strange names I can’t pronounce that targets stress to support healthy hormonal balance, igniting creative energy in and out of the bedroom. And boy, oh boy, are they telling the truth!
And I will tell you, even my creativity, I’m more focused, and I already am productive, like, I get done what I say I’m going to do, but there’s a lot more ease in it. And so if you’re someone who you just feel like things don’t feel right, you can tell things are just off in your body, while I want to support you with getting your head right, like how you’re thinking and showing up.
I also want you to look into what is going on, on a biochemical level in your body that may be adding to your situation. So if you choose to try the Sex Dust, which I highly recommend, here’s how I use it. I take a pot and put it on the stove and I put about half a tablespoon of ghee and I melt that and I put a teaspoon of the power in there. And then I pour in almond milk and I heat all of that up and then I put it in a blender so that it’s all well-blended.
And it actually is very tasty. I don’t like sweet stuff, and so I don’t put stevia or honey in mine, but maybe if you’re somebody who likes things to be a little sweeter, you may want to add just a touch of honey or stevia. But it’s just not only – I feel like it’s doing so much good for my body, but it’s the ritual, that sensual ritual of honoring myself as a woman that’s beautiful as well.
So I will be sure to put the link of the sex dust in the show notes, or you can go to frenchkisslife.com/sexdust and you can go directly to the page and check it out.
Thank you so much for tuning into this week’s episode. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful week and I look forward to seeing you in the next one. Until then, go out there and French Kiss Life. Cheers.
If you enjoyed this episode and you want to dive even deeper into the French Kiss lifestyle, let’s start with a makeover; a mindset makeover. You can download my free training, The 3 Mindset Makeovers Every Woman Needs by visiting FrenchKissLife.com/mindset – because after all, mindset is the new black.